Saturday, October 29 - It was a stay at home, hang out and get some things done around the house kind of day.
That night, we had a leadership dinner at our church, with one of our state board missionaries as our speaker. My Prince and I went and left the Young Prince and the Youngest Princess at home. Our youth pastor and his wife came to the dinner as well. When they got there, they were taking Super C out of his car seat, and fixing a bottle. I told them that I would be glad to hold him and feed him his bottle while they ate. It was my first time to hold him since the day he was born. I loved every second of it. I was pretty much unashamedly a baby hog. He is so sweet!!
I was talking to my friend, who is our music minister's wife, and we were talking about how we miss our own being so small, and how they don't stay that small very long, and I admitted to her that I had always thought that I was a pretty good momma. That is until lately. Lately, I feel like I fail at everything I do, motherhood included. I even cried a little. It breaks my heart to even talk about it.
I fed Super C his bottle, and then I just held him for as long as I could. Trying to listen to the speaker, and admire the baby all at the same time. Finally, he started squirming like he was no longer comfortable with me, so I took him back to his momma. But it did my heart good just to hold him and love on him for a little while.
Sunday, October 30 - There are some days that you just don't want to blog about. Especially when you are trying to blog about every day for a whole year. Some days just aren't "blog worthy". Some days are just full of sad, and ugly, and hurt, and battles, and it's just about all you can do to get through. But, those days are part of our life too, and so, I share. Maybe because someone needs to know they are not alone, or so someone can learn from my mistakes. So far this year, those days have been thankfully, very few and far between.
There are times in the ministry when you must have "thick skin" as they say. And I usually do a pretty good job of letting things roll off, but for some reason, almost everything said, cut straight to my heart. It was me. On a normal day, nothing that happened would have bothered me, I guess it was just seemed to be everything all at once. I sent an emergency, "please pray, Satan is attacking hard this morning" text to one of my groups, and I made it through the morning service fighting tears the whole time.
Our state board missionary brought the sermon. It was about how we as a church can leave a lasting legacy. He encouraged us to get involved with church planting, and helping those who are planting churches. It was a good message. Despite my crazy emotions, I was able to pay attention some.
The Youngest Princess had worked hard Saturday and had cleaned her room, and wanted to know if her friend could come and play for the afternoon. I said yes, because I wanted to reward her for working hard in her room, and because I knew she was dying to show her friend her new puppy. I also did it for selfish reasons. I knew that a friend would distract her, and I might have a little bit of quiet time, which I desperately needed in order to pray and pull myself together.
We were having a praise and worship service that night, and so I decided to cancel Bible Drills class. I wanted to hear the Young Prince, and My Prince sing. So I text my friend who is so sweet to help me with Bible Drills, and told her that I was canceling class for the night.
We went to lunch at a fast food restaurant, hoping to get a fast meal and get home pretty quickly. Ordering was a nightmare. The lady that was taking our order kept trying to run things behind the counter and take our order at the same time. Then she corrected or questioned everything My Prince said/ordered. I think it took us longer to order than it did for them to make our food and us eat it combined. It was pretty much more than my already frazzled nerves could take.
We finally made our order, and sat down to eat. We were making small talk, and I asked the Young Prince something about that night, and what he was going to do, and he answered me a little harshly. And the tears that I had been holding back, could be held back no longer. I asked for the keys, excused myself and went to the car to wait for everyone else. They were all pretty much done, so they followed me fairly quickly.
We came home, and the Young Prince apologized, explaining that he wasn't really sure what he was doing that night, and that he did not mean to answer me so harshly. I told him that it was okay, and that it wasn't him. It was me.
The girls played, and I worked on my Bible study for that night. My Prince did not have to preach, because of the Praise and Worship service, so he sat with me probably wondering what in the world was wrong with me. I would pull it together, and then I would cry. Then I would pull it together, and then I would cry.
The Young Prince told me again that he was sorry, and that he loved me, and that he didn't tell me enough that he loved me, and he was sorry for that too, and I cried. I did not want to go to church a crying, bumbling, jumble of nerves. When I cry, and someone shows me compassion, "Oh, what's wrong? Are you okay?" It just makes me cry more. I was a mess. Probably more of a mess than I have been in a really long time.
I don't always write about everything. There are burdens, and cares that I carry, that maybe aren't my story to tell. I try to respect others when I write. I try not to share things that would hurt or embarrass others. There have been several things over the past couple of weeks that seem to be coming to boiling point. Things that I can't control, and can't necessarily share, but that weigh extremely heavy on my heart. And everything all added together, equalled one mess of a me.
I decided to text my group and tell them that I would not be there for our group time. I would not have been any good to anyone anyway. And I did not go to the service either. I couldn't stop crying long enough to go anywhere. It was not pretty. It was truly an "Unstable!" day on steroids.
So, everyone left for church, and I was sitting here all alone, praying. Praying for people I love, praying for God to move in miraculous ways. Asking God to make His presence known in several situations. Asking God to help me to get myself together and quit crying. Asking God for the strength to let go of things I could not change. Asking for wisdom in several situations where I really need wisdom. Praying for the faith to surrender it all to Him. When my friend text me and asked if I was coming up to the service. I told her no, that I was at home. She asked me if I was okay. I answered "No, not really." She asked if there was anything she could do. I told her she could pray. And I continued to do the same myself.
Probably about 20 minutes later, there was a knock on the door. I answered it, and there stood my friend. She came bearing gifts of a cold Coke, a bag of sunflower seeds, and chocolate. She told me that I could talk, or we could just be quiet, but that she was just "there" for me. I tear up now just thinking about it. We did talk about a few things that I could talk about with her. Again, some things are not mine to share. But just talking it out, made me feel somewhat better. Our time was up too quickly. Church was over and she had somewhere she had to go. But her just being "there" meant the world to me. Her listening to me spill my heart, and laughing and saying that she completely understood, and even making me laugh a little was just what my aching heart needed. She didn't run from me because I was hurting. She pulled me close, and ministered to me, by just being "there."
It didn't fix anything. It didn't solve any problems. But it did make me feel loved, and a little less alone. When My Prince and the kids got home, I was doing a little better, and we did our normal night time routine of getting ready for bed and reading. I was very glad to lay my head on the pillow, and give my heart a rest.
Monday, October 31 - I got up, did my First 5 devotions, and got ready for school. The alarm did not go off. My Prince usually sets two. The clock and his phone, but for some reason that did not happen, and so we were running a little late. My Prince drove me to school. It was a good morning. The girls were a little on the giddy, chatty side, but they calmed down eventually, and we got things accomplished. The Youngest Princess had tumbling after school, so she stayed for that, and I came home. My Prince and the Young Prince were both already here. We had to wait for the Youngest Princess to get done with tumbling, and then we were going out to eat. We had a little trouble deciding where to go, but finally decided on a place that made us all happy. We went and ate, and then we stopped and let the kids get some yogurt for dessert. Then we headed home. I called my sister and talked to her for a few minutes on our way home. When we got home, the kids finished up their homework, and then I read to the Youngest Princess, and we went to bed.
Tuesday, November 1 - Yay!!!! It is November! I can hardly believe that it is already November! I love November, because it means my FAVORITE holiday. I absolutely LOVE Thanksgiving. This year, though, our Thanksgiving will look different. With the Oldest Princess in college, and not being out of classes except for Thanksgiving day, we will have to go to her to be with her on Thanksgiving. But never fear. I have a plan, and we will still have Thanksgiving.
Anyway, I got up and did my First 5 devotion, and got ready for school. School went well. We were able to face time again with my student who is out of the country, and that was fun. The girls worked hard and we had time to get everything done, as well as listen to some of our silly songs at the end of the day.
We came home and fixed tacos for dinner. The Young Prince was supposed to go to a meeting at one of our local fire departments, because he is interested in being a volunteer fire fighter, but we found out that the meeting had been cancelled and moved to next week, so that has been put on hold for a week. He called a friend and they moved their dinner plans up, so he went on early and met with his friend for dinner.
One of my friends called and we have not talked in a long time, so we spent quite a while on the phone. My Prince and the Youngest Princess did homework. When I got off of the phone with my friend, the Youngest Princess and I read and went to bed.
Wednesday, November 2 - Another good day. Just a normal day. Doing the normal daily stuff. I don't know about you, but I love normal days. They make me happy. I will take a normal day, any day.
Wake up, First 5 devotion, get ready, school, home, cheer practice (Youngest Princess),breakfast for dinner, talk about our day, practice piano (Youngest Princess), play with puppy (also Youngest Princess), practice guitar (Young Prince), practice flute (Youngest Princess), try to take a nap (My Prince), and then everyone off to church, home to finish homework, and straighten up the house a little. Now, to get ready for bed, snuggle, and read our chapter of Anne of Green Gables.
Until I blog again...